A conversation - something I would define as being an exchange of ideas. it's between two sides.
I find myself replying to my own thoughts: "just allow yourself"
I’ve been having a conversation in my mind, and it started with this idea: “You can do better. You can always do more.” But then something jumped in to defend me, suggesting, “What if you are already enough?”
I have been so trapped by limitations I've created, where I'm not worthy, and like I should hide myself in order to avoid being seen.
Who am I talking to? who am I defending myself from? This marks the clear division in my thinking, or perhaps duality of my nature.
I'm not allowing myself to fall.
And it’s from here that the push-pull began.
And I can't get rid of the thought in my head: "So, where would I fall exactly?" How calculated do I have to be to plan where I fall? But, this calculation comes from feeling unsafe.
I feel safe here. But I don’t feel safe now. The lines easily become hazy between what is "here" and what is "now", as the relationship between time and space become blurred.
Where I look out the window and see chaos. I hear screams and gunshots I cannot allow it.
Isn’t time just a form of mental space? I could stay here, in this room all day, and my illusion of safety will waver. But I am find safety somewhere in the climate of my mind.
I need to plan things out. I need to act a certain way, respond a certain way. It feels like it's a risk to just exist.
In my first waking moments I am suspended in a blissful unawareness, untethered to this time and space, free of thought subject to contradiction, which seems to be all I can find anymore.
You know, tonight I actually fell asleep, first time in weeks, and when I woke up I saw my monstera and she had a new leaf.
They always talk about "coming to your senses". But doesn’t it make more sense that we begin in our senses, and we come to our thoughts? I am able to find peace here, somewhere.
A new leaf, a new day.
I can find safety both here and now, but without my awareness to either. I do eventually come to my thoughts, which gives a platform for this conversation.
Where will I fall?
Black converses with white. The "Yes" converses with "no". Can I be more? Yes. Am I enough?Yes.
Where will I fall? Anywhere and everywhere.